Haunted by the past....I never thought it would be back.

Just when I though I was over it, I realized my crazy emotional and psychological traps have resurfaced from the depths of what I thought has been removed or permanently buried in the past.

Thats just it, the past has a remarkable way of creeping back into our lives without us realizing it has.

No matter how much you think you've gotten over the past, it will find a way back if you put your self in a situation that can trigger the same old feelings. SO it feels like your repeating the same old mistake again.

Unfortunately for some of us, there are things in the past we regrettably make and we wish we could take back and never have done. And yet we can't. There is no way to turn back the tides of time and make it not happen. Because even if we had a time machine which could do that, we may go back in time and not do it, but the thought that at some point in time and its fabric, whether in the same time flow or dimension or not, it happened. You we live with it for the rest of your life. I wish I could, but I know it is not possible.

The painful thing about it and the most difficult, is that when it comes back to haunt you, all the pain, regret and suffering you had to go through just rushes back in as if it were just yesterday.

It's like wounding a scar.

In my case, I end up hating my self and puts me in a fit of regret and pity. I know there is nothing to gain out of self pity, but when the pain is refreshed and the memories flood your head, pity seems to be the only plausible things to do as there is a demented feeling of despair and hopelessness that envelops me.

You start to see dark clouds hovering even where the sun is really shinning and the water seems so scary even when others are bathing joyously.

I hate having to pity myself. And I tend to hate myself for allowing myself to feel this way. If there were only an off switch, I'd be the first to turn it.

Then the loneliness sets in. Melancholy and overwhelming self pity envelops me totally. I can easily get over failures, but its when my past haunts me, that I find my self the most weak. The recovery time seems to be endless. And sink holes seem to appear every where at any given time. I becomes overly sensitive and everything matters even they should not.

When all this happens, I know I'm back at square one. I could only hope for a miracle, that some how someone could come down and show me the way out, guide me and be with me as I pass my darkest hour.

The Past, The Pain and the Pity all seem to make me regret who I am and make myself hate me for who I am and what I have become.

What is the use of all these achievements and successes when I have not even found a way to conquer me. I am my greatest foe, for I wield a weapon that is self destructive. Just like a suicide bomber, I have committed myself to my own down fall.

Not even God can change me, for I have chosen to be such. I do not like it, but somehow I have allowed myself to be it.